Unless you're filming a new Tremors movie, there's no reason to jump on a beach and take a picture of it.
www.adviceforfacebookusers.com
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Tip #142
If you're writing "I MISS YOUR FACE!" on your friend's wall, I assume that friend's body is so hideous it needs to be covered and beaten for the sake of the general public.
So stop saying that.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Tip #141
Guys, if a girl post about being sad in her status and you attempt to comfort here via a "what's wrong?" comment, know that you have no chance with her.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tip #140
Stop taking pictures with your Pit Bull. All you're doing is proving how insecure you are about yourself.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Tip #139
Ladies, it's one thing to speak like you're mildly retarded, but don't write like you are too.
"Bitch ur a playahhhhhhh!"
Tip #138
Please use the "F" word sparingly. You'll find that when you do, it's a lot more effective.
"im so fucking pissed i could fucking punch someone in the fucking face"
One "fuck" would have done the trick.
Tip #137
St. Patrick's Day is March 17th. Stop celebrating it early. When you do that, you're just a drunk.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Tip #136
If you did the work you were supposed to do last night, you wouldn't be complaining about all the work you have to do on your snow day. No one feels bad for you because we're too busy SLEDDING!
Tip #135
Pickles are good, but if they released an album, no one would buy it. On the other hand, if Nickelback decided to let people eat them, everyone would be a fan.
So think really hard before you join the Group "Let's see if this Pickle can get more Fans than Nickelback"
Tip #134
We get it, Northeast. It's snowing and you're trapped inside. All of your friends know it's snowing, because they also live in the Northeast. Don't post about something that millions of people can see by looking out the window.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Tip #133
Girls, no matter how sexy you are or what pose you're in, you're never sexy with a poncho on. It's the opposite of sexy. If you put a poncho over two models having having sex, they'll look like two hobos wrestling for a sandwich. In closing:
Poncho = Hobo Wrestler
Tip #132
If you have a lot of "sexy" profile pictures, I bet it's really easy to see you get "sexy" in person. Get it? (You're slutty)
Tip #131
If your a "baller," it's okay to hold a fist-full of money in your Facebook pictures. But if your not, photoshop doesn't help.
These poor girls had no idea they we're dealing with a CYBER BALLAAAA!!!
Monday, February 8, 2010
Tip #130
"Man I love hearing great news!!!!!!!!"
You do? Me too! Except I don't find the need to say things that are common knowledge. I won't be surprised when your next post reads: "Being sick is bad!"
Tip #129
Keep that profile picture up to date! There's no way to stop aging; haven't you seen Hocus Pocus?
Tip #128
If your profile picture is your Halloween costume and it's months after Halloween, I'll feel bad for your neighbors when you buy a house. Because you'll be the asshole that never takes down their Christmas lights.
Tip #127
Monday, Car, Traffic, Cold, and lots of other things that don't speak, don't speak. So stop writing to them in your status updates.
"Dear Car, Please work today!"
If it could reply it would say "I'd be a lot more comfortable letting you ride inside me if I knew you didn't suck. Beeep Beeeep. Sorry, about the beep. I was busy making more sense than you."
Tip #126
"OMG LOL HAHAHAHA that's sooo funny!"
Tip #125
Don't be an idiot. When Facebook changes their layout, it's for the best. No need to mount an army of ignorance. Whether it's 100 idiots joining a group of hate or 1,000,000 idiots joining the group, it's still the opinion of idiots.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Tip #124
A doppelganger is someone that looks like you, NOT someone who is way better looking than you. Stop tricking me, Ugly Friends.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Tip #123
If I was a "fan" of yours, I'd be a member of your Facebook Fan Page. No suggestion necessary.
Tip #122
Are you a Selfish-Susan? If you comment on my wall post instead of writing on my wall, you are. It's the equivalent of getting a really nice gift and instead of getting a Thank-You Card, you just write on the gift and show it to me. Such a Susan move.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Tip #120
Unless you're describing a weird housing development, don't put "homes" at the end of your sentences.
"Shit homes"
"Damn homes"
"Abracadabra homes"
Tip #119
Taking pictures by old things doesn't make you an indy-rocker or hipster. It makes you look like you enjoy antiquing.
Tip #118
Buying a lottery ticket is not a smart investment towards a new car.
"COME ON scratch off! mommy needs a new set of wheels!!!"
Especially if it's a scratch off.
Tip #117
CRAZYYYY!!! YOU WON A FREE IPOD!!!!! AND NOW YOU'RE GIVING IT AWAYY!!!!! ALL I HAVE TO DO IS INVITE 75 PEOPLE TO THIS GROUP YOU MADE FOR IT AND I COULD WIN IT!!!!!!!!!! SOUNDS EASY!!!!!!! I'LL DO IT!!! I'LL DEFINITELY WIN!!!!! IT'S DEFINITELY A REAL, ESTABLISHED CONTEST!!!!!!! IN NO WAY WILL THIS LURE ME AWAY FROM FACEBOOK TO BE A POTENTIAL COMPUTER VIRUS OR WASTE OF TIME!!!!!!!! FREE IPOD HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!
There's no such thing as a free iPod.
Tip #116
If you're attempting sarcasm via Facebook, don't do it by putting the word "cough" in parenthesis. Especially if it doesn't even make sense when you say it out loud.
"That's really awesome (cough)"
Tip #115
"Fist Pump" shouldn't be used as a unit of measure for anything. Be your own reality show, world.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Tip #114
You can't purposefully be "that guy" in group pictures. What winds up happening is that instead of just being "that guy" you're "that guy who is insecure and looking for attention but doesn't get it and cries later to the picture he attempted to be 'that guy' in because the people who he was trying to get a laugh out of really don't like him that much but he secretly has a crush on all of them; not because he likes any one of them specifically, he just thinks that if he tries enough times one will eventually feel bad enough to sleep with him." Yeah, that is what happens.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Tip #113
If I post a comment on a photo and you feel the urge to comment about it as well, please limit your number of comments to 1. Facebook has to tell me every dumb thing you say.
Tip #112
If you really like someone that you're dating, don't ever look at their Facebook. Unless you're looking for a reason to fight them.
Tip #111
If you're so tan that your only make-up options are different shades of white, in 10 years you'll be as wrinkly as Walter Matthau banging an old shirt I left in the dryer.
Tip #110
Girls, when you write "kiloveyoubye!" at the end of a comment/wall post, what your really saying is "heyimdumbandgetaround."
Tip #109
"blue powerade is key to a hangover!! obsesssssed w this sh*t!!!"
Unless Powerade gives you a hangover and you enjoy hangovers, don't write that.
Tip #108
Don't show "backstage" pictures from your "professional" music/comedy/documentary video shoot. On second thought, do show them. I bet they look more "professional" than your actual video.
Tip #107
I don't feel bad that your bored at work. I don't have a job and would love to be getting paid to be bored.
Tip #106
Ladies, there's no need to photograph yourself while in the driver seat of a car. Are you trying to prove to us that you can drive?
Here's a secondary tip. Looking at a camera while driving doesn't help driving.
Tip #105
Inside jokes don't belong in your status message. It makes everyone think you're crazy.
"I thought the mohawk was chasing ME. HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Tip #104
Unless you're a celebrity like Diddy, don't call your party: The (Your Name Here) Experience. It just sounds bad.
"The Richard Experience"
"The Cody McMiller Experience"
"The Debra Hornpepper Experience"
See.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Tip #103
If you just got a new sales job, don't promote your half-off sale. Unless it's half-off money.
Tip #102
If you see that someone wrote the word "dog" in a place you can comment on it, it's way past the point to make a "who let the dogs out" reference.
Person 1 - "My dog ran away :("
Person 2 - "Who let it out? Who? Who? Who?"
Tip #101
If you friend someone on Facebook and then run into them in real life, be sure to speak to them.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Tip #100
Girls, if you're doing the universal sign for cunnilinigus (look it up) in your pictures, it probably means you have crabs.
Tip #99
You're not surprised when you're clearly posing for a picture. So don't make your surprised face.
Tip #98
Person 1- "That was cool"
Person 2- "And by cool, did you really mean lame?"No, they didn't. Stop doing that.
Did you think it was a typo? Or did you think it was funny? Either way, it's not.
Tip #97
If "a couple of things are making you smile right now :)" just say what they are. While it may be nice for the person you're actually talking about to see that comment, it may be confusing to that person you just got off the phone with.
Tip #96
2010 has, in fact, begun. You don't need to declare it in your Status Updates.
"Hitting up the mall. 2010 has begun!"
"Off to Jakes. 2010 has begun!"
"Going to watch Shrek! 2010 has begun!"
Tip #95
Math and alcohol don't mix, so don't make up mathematical equations pertaining to drinking. Especially if they're incorrect.
"1 Night + 1 Case of Keystone = Good timesssss"
Tip #93
Don't encourage your lady Italian friends to call themselves Snookie, J-Wow, or the name of the forgettable other one.
Tip #92
Using the word "Craziness" in the title of your photo album is the same as putting "I'm Drunk In 95% of These Pictures" in the title.
Tip #91
If you haven't been on your computer for a week, you don't have to make up for it in 20 minutes.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Tip #90
No one can take you seriously if you constantly promote bars/clubs that host events like "DJ STING presents: THE DRUNK OFF" or "Blak N Blu Productions Presents: The Hooligan Hangover Shitfest!"
Tip #89
Cameras will only become more expensive if the have to install a built-in level. For everyone's sake, stop holding them crooked to take your pictures of yourself in the mirror.
Tip #88
If you're really attractive, stop taking slutty pictures of yourself. We get it, you're hot. I could tell from the first time I saw the majority of your breast.
Tip #87
Friends Exposed Questions provide entertainment, unless you think you're funny. Then they just provide set-ups to really bad jokes.
Tip #85
Everyone gets a little excited when they see they have a new notification. Which only makes realizing it's just an invitation to join an application more disheartening.
Tip #82
Photoshopping flowers/words to your pictures for added adornment makes it look like you're trying to distract us from something.
Tip #81
If you're going to use extra letters to emphasize a certain part of a word, make sure they're the right letters.
"Feel Betttttttter!"
"Whattttttttttttt!"
Tip #79
If you're "Married" to your best friend, that's wonderful. But if you're fictitiously "Married" to your best friend, you should start dating.
Tip #78
Don't abuse the Live Feed by constantly telling us what you're doing. That's what Twitter's for.
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